So today is starting off kind of ruff.  For some reason I have been weeping at the eyes.  And I know I feel some sort of way but I am not sure what is causing it.  What I do know is that the more I try to get past what has happened.  There is always something happening that makes me start to really think.  As everyone is aware of you had the mass shooting that happened at Mandalay Bay in Vegas.  It made me think about how the robber could have blown my brains out and the bank would have been opened the next day for business like nothing ever happened.  I don't trust ANYONE who works with or who is affiliated with US Bank because I feel they are all working for the better of the company and not me.  I have never felt so violated in a long time.  And the more I try to get out the more I feel I am held back.  And even times I feel I am being pushed back.  Outside of me being employed I have had nothing but negative at this job and I just don't know how much more I can deal with.  Then to add to my feelings, I had a police officer follow me last night for over 7 miles.  He was tailgating me and I was on a unlit road in the middle of no where.  I was terrified and I kept thinking I was going to die on that road.  And the only reason I was on that road was because I wanted some fish from Ibby's.  Every tall, dirty, scruffy, thin, white man that I see is suspect to me and I always look to see if he is the ONE!  And the crazy part is everyone is making it seem as if I am the crazy one.  I still can't get past the fact that a job I worked so hard to get was given to Mayra who didn't even want it.  She has a little over a week left here and I can't stand it.  And it is sad but I highly doubt I will ever really speak to her ever again outside of just being polite and saying hello or bye. 

So I got to work today a little early as always.  But instead of coming in early like I usually do.  I decided to take my nurses advice and meditate.  So I did 6 minutes of meditation in my car listening to one of the relaxation homedics channels on Pandora.  I must admit that it was a little relaxing.  But I know I have a long way to go before I am able to shut my mind completely off.  I just kept thinking about how much everyone is for self and are snakes in the grass.  I still haven't really said much to Mayra because I really just can't trust her anymore.  I really just hope that I will find another place to be and ASAP. 

So this past week was a challenge.  The entire week I was the only manager on duty.  Mayra worked at Uptown and we borrowed Connor.  We had a potluck on Thursday.  That morning I came in early so that I could prepare my shipment.  And also so that I could get the cart to bring down all the food.  When I was bring the food down.  I got on the elevator and Paul was already on there.  He of course didn't realize it was me until we got to the lobby floor and the doors opened and I started to back the cart out.  It made me feel some type of way.  So at that moment I decided I was going to have a one on one with him.  Little did I know that Kurt and Debbie would show up.  And the sight of Kurt made me break down.  I cried for almost 45 minutes.  Deb had to calm me down.  I expressed to her why I was upset and I let her know that I had talked to Brandi.  They talked to me about some other opportunities.  They told me I could work at 75th as a Universal banker but for only 30 hrs.  They also told me I could work at another location for the same.  I was also informed that Mayra's position wouldn't be posted or filled.  Bullshit if you ask me.  

Today was an ok day.  I kind of had a racy heart on my way to work.  But it calmed down after a few hours.  I talked to the nurse today for about 45 minutes about my headaches and lack of sleep.  She is supposed to get back to me after she talks to the adjuster.  I also received a text from Teaon regarding the replacement of the blinds in the front room.  I hate when she sends me stuff at work because it always makes me feel some sort of way.  So I had to just ignore the message so that I could remain calm.  I got a call and an email from Heather who is the recruiter at Chase.  I am hoping when we talk she has something good for me.  I got an email from Schwallie regarding why I was passed over for that position that was given to Mayra.  We shall see how that plays out.  I also came home and worked on one of the earring organizers that was ordered.  I will post pictures once it is done.  That is about all that I have to report at this moment.  But I am sure I will have more tomorrow since that is when Mayra returns to work.  I really want to be cordial but I feel really betrayed and once you are on my bad side it is hard to be forgiven.  Which brings me to one last thing.  I noticed that Misy didn't invite me to Koby's bday party but she invited Teaon. I find that to be a little shady but whatever.  I have moves to make that don't include everyone else.  

The Robbery Aftermath

So on Friday the 15h of September I went to see my therapist.  I was urged to see one after I was robbed at work a week before my birthday.  The robbery happened at 16:28 on 8/11/17.   The weekend of my actual birthday Teaon decided to go back to Colorado and not be a part of my birthday.  And Khiya came thru like a champ like always.  But what really set the tone for the weekend was the fact that NoNo came and took me to a concert to see Jidenna at Cresent Ballroom on 8/17/17 which was a Thursday.  That Friday Khiya arranged for me to have a belly dance class at the Seatay Dance school.  That was a little after we had brunch at the Breakfast Club downtown.  The only people to show were NoNo, Katt and Honey for the belly dance class.  Then on that Saturday Khiya had me go to the movies for the day which I saw War for the Planet of the Apes.  I didn't know that she was at home getting ready for a surprise pool party.  But she had me come home when no one showed up.  I asked her to cancel and then a few people decided to show only 4 hours after the scheduled start time.  The only ones to show were Katt, Honey, Ludy and Misy.  And basically no one swam but they ate and left.  Needless to say that will never happen again.  So I have had all this negative energy going on and I am really at the end of my rope.  Fast forward to the 24th of August.  I had my first therapy appointment which went well.  The place is really comfortable and the doctor is really nice.  One the 25th of August I drove to L.A to be with my sister Kendal .  That weekend was so much fun and stress free.  We went to the Greek Theater to see Mary J. Blige in concert for the Strength of a Woman tour.  That was on 8/26/17.  On 8/27/17 I drove to Palm Springs to see my dad for his birthday.  And the day after I came back home.  And of course the drama was waiting for me.  I returned back to work on 9/5/17.  One thing I forgot to mention is that I was pushed into go to therapy after I decided to take an extra day of vacation after I found out that Trump would be a block away holding a rally.  So to get back on track I got back to work and I was trying to keep up with everything going on including the position that I applied for.  I went to the therapist like I said on the 15th and I was a total reck.  Because the position I had been trying to get since last year was given to none other than Mayra.  So to say I have been having nothing but negativity come my way would be an understatement.  Now my mother came to visit on 9/13/17 and she stayed until 9/17/17 and she got to see a glimpse of the shit I deal with on a day to day basis with Teaon.  I worked less than a half day on the 13th.  I called in on the 14th and the 15th I went in and I found out about Mayra.  I have been having massive headaches.  I can not sleep for shit and to add to that my daughter is too much.  Orion broke one of my blinds and of course I was pissed about it.  So when I stepped into the bathroom I can hear Teaon and my mom talking and my mom is trying to explain to Teaon how she raised 6 kids and how we didn't tear up shit and Teaon is making up excuses as always instead of taking responsibility for what happened.  Then she has the nerve to say that everyone babies me and that I want people to buy me stuff and that she can't always watch Orion and we don't help and that she can't just keep him in the room.  But she stays in her room on the phone while he runs about the house and is into everything.  No mater how much I try to bond and make things work.  I know it never will because she lives in some fantasy world with expectations that are very unrealistic for our situation.  I think she feels she is a Kardashian and she is entitled.  So here we are again at a point where we are not talking and of course I have to go back to work in the morning to the bullshit.  Please Jesus Fix It!

People!

Today was a very interesting day to say the least.  Work was good since I am now starting to learn how the systems work.  I finally got off at a decent time but then I got home and I instantly knew that something was wrong.  Come to find out Khiya broke it off with Darryl and things are pretty bad.  I'm not sure he will be able to recover from this or not.  Then to add to that drama we decide to go skating and no one was really there but then Shaneen showed up with Kabian and Angel.  Khiya had told me that Shaneen felt that she was using Kabian to make Darryl jealous on Sunday at the rink so now Kabian and Khiya have to keep their distance.  The thing that upsets me is that Shaneen will act as if everything is cool and then she will pull some shit like this.  It also pisses me off because it is an attack on Khiya's character and on my parenting.  Then we started to talk about the skate trip to Houston and now all of a sudden she is talking about going with Angel and Damicka.  At this point I am ready to say fuck all of them because they are really fickle.  I don't have time for the bullshit and extra drama.  I have enough of my own.  All I want to do is learn my job to the point that I am a beast at it and I want to move into my new house.  I have decided that I will move my own stuff and will not ask for anyones help and I don't want a party as we had discussed.  I think I want to just get past the skate parties in February and then break away from the pack and do my own thing.  Time will tell!

1/5/2014

Today I slept the entire day. I felt like shit but I did end up making it to the skating rink. All the girls acted funny and Shunda was pissed that me and Khiya didn't dress out.  We did however wear pink but it just wasn't the Kitty 4 Life Shirts like she wanted.  I keep telling her that I don't want to wear that logo anymore and that I only want to do Sisters Expressing Integrity.  Not the Sexi Kitty shit because of all the bullshit behind it.  I hope that one day we can get past it and move forward.  Until then we will always be at odds but time will tell.