So today is starting off kind of ruff.  For some reason I have been weeping at the eyes.  And I know I feel some sort of way but I am not sure what is causing it.  What I do know is that the more I try to get past what has happened.  There is always something happening that makes me start to really think.  As everyone is aware of you had the mass shooting that happened at Mandalay Bay in Vegas.  It made me think about how the robber could have blown my brains out and the bank would have been opened the next day for business like nothing ever happened.  I don't trust ANYONE who works with or who is affiliated with US Bank because I feel they are all working for the better of the company and not me.  I have never felt so violated in a long time.  And the more I try to get out the more I feel I am held back.  And even times I feel I am being pushed back.  Outside of me being employed I have had nothing but negative at this job and I just don't know how much more I can deal with.  Then to add to my feelings, I had a police officer follow me last night for over 7 miles.  He was tailgating me and I was on a unlit road in the middle of no where.  I was terrified and I kept thinking I was going to die on that road.  And the only reason I was on that road was because I wanted some fish from Ibby's.  Every tall, dirty, scruffy, thin, white man that I see is suspect to me and I always look to see if he is the ONE!  And the crazy part is everyone is making it seem as if I am the crazy one.  I still can't get past the fact that a job I worked so hard to get was given to Mayra who didn't even want it.  She has a little over a week left here and I can't stand it.  And it is sad but I highly doubt I will ever really speak to her ever again outside of just being polite and saying hello or bye. 

So I got to work today a little early as always.  But instead of coming in early like I usually do.  I decided to take my nurses advice and meditate.  So I did 6 minutes of meditation in my car listening to one of the relaxation homedics channels on Pandora.  I must admit that it was a little relaxing.  But I know I have a long way to go before I am able to shut my mind completely off.  I just kept thinking about how much everyone is for self and are snakes in the grass.  I still haven't really said much to Mayra because I really just can't trust her anymore.  I really just hope that I will find another place to be and ASAP. 

So this past week was a challenge.  The entire week I was the only manager on duty.  Mayra worked at Uptown and we borrowed Connor.  We had a potluck on Thursday.  That morning I came in early so that I could prepare my shipment.  And also so that I could get the cart to bring down all the food.  When I was bring the food down.  I got on the elevator and Paul was already on there.  He of course didn't realize it was me until we got to the lobby floor and the doors opened and I started to back the cart out.  It made me feel some type of way.  So at that moment I decided I was going to have a one on one with him.  Little did I know that Kurt and Debbie would show up.  And the sight of Kurt made me break down.  I cried for almost 45 minutes.  Deb had to calm me down.  I expressed to her why I was upset and I let her know that I had talked to Brandi.  They talked to me about some other opportunities.  They told me I could work at 75th as a Universal banker but for only 30 hrs.  They also told me I could work at another location for the same.  I was also informed that Mayra's position wouldn't be posted or filled.  Bullshit if you ask me.