Random 1

Today was an ok day! I waas sore as heck from dancing last night. However it was well worth it. I went by myself for once and I actually had a wonderful time just being me. I almost broke down when they played one of my "OLD LADIES" favorite songs. But I was able to pull it together before anyone saw it. I really miss her but I am having a hard time coming to grips with losing her. I have not yelled, cried, snapped on anyone or anything. I have actually been really pleasant which it not the norm for me. "I AM SCARED" I know this is not normal. Exspecially since I can't get the images of her out of my mind. I dream about it all the time. I can't go to her house because it is just not the same. I used to walk in the house and when I bent the corner to go to her room she would always ask me "What took you so long" and then she would poke her lip out. Now when I go and bend the corner I see my dad and his wife in my grams bed..ugh!

I'm sure one day I will come to grips but I am not sure when or where I will be. But I know one thing and that is my grams passing has brought me some new friends. It has brought me closer to some old friends. And it also opened my eyes to some friends who claimed to be but actually were not. Thank you Old Lady! You told me you would always have my back and you wouldn't allow anyone to do me wrong!!!

"I LOVE YOU"

Being with Friends!!!

So today started off a little ruff. I slept in because I just didn't have the strength to get up to do anything. I finally decided to go shopping to find me something to wear to an all white event that I will be attending. But I didn't have any luck. I may have to come up with another plan but I will keep you posted.

Well after I went shopping or shall I say attempted..lol.. I decided to go see my dad and that is when my day took a turn for the worse. I struggle every time I have to go see my dad in my grandmothers house. It is strange to walk into her room and see anyone but her in the bed. And for whatever reason it bothers me tremendously to the point that I can only stay for short periods of time. Even though my grams was sick it was still always happy times when I went to see her and now when I go in her room it is not the same. My dad and his wife are always at each other which gets to be a little much. Most of it could be avoided but for what ever reason it never is. But that is a whole different can of worms that I will have to get into later....smdh

So besides them arguing as usual which put me on edge. I was looking at some pictures in my grams photo album and found that she had several copies of her late mothers obituary. The thing that really upset me was reading it and seeing that my name was not listed. The only name listed was my sister Kendal's. So it made me wonder if she ever knew anything about me! Had she ever even heard my name. It is a hard pill to swallow when you have always been the outcast. And little things like this always surface to remind you of how invisible you were and sometimes are. So I had to leave and get out of that house and go back to ME!

So after I left I go a text from a good friend to ask me if I would go to Jazz In The Park! Now I must be honest.....I didn't want to go because I was really upset but then I decided it may get me out of my funk so I got dressed and went. (I AM GLAD I DID)

I had a chance to sit with my girl, her man and I finally got to meet her mother. It actually turned out to be OK and I had a small chance to vent if you will. I was able to talk to man about the things that had happened with my grams because most people are not aware of my life. Hell I am just finding out my damn self. (THAT IS ANOTHER CAN OF WORMS I WILL HAVE TO OPEN LATER) One day I will cry I am sure of it but at the moment I just can't. I have sooooo much to say but no one to say it too. But I know that once I get it all off my chest I will be at peace and able to grieve how I should and how I need too. But until then I will continue to live and to hold my head up.! Because I truly don't know what else to do......

KEY FACTS ABOUT COLON CANCER

"Colon Cancer"

Colon cancer is a common type of (cancer) in which there is uncontrolled growth of the cells that line the inside of the colon or rectum. Colon cancer is also called colorectal cancer. Cancer growths occur when some cells in the body begin to multiply in an uncontrolled manner. The body's natural defenses, such as certain parts of the immune system, cannot stop uncontroled cell division. These abnormal cells become greater and greater in number. In some types of cancer, including colon cancer, the uncontrolled cell growth forms a mass, also called a Tumor. Tumors always start off as a polyp. A polyp is an abnormal growth of tissue projection from a mucus membrane. It is attached to the surface by a narrow elongated stalk. Polyps are commonly found on the colon, stomach, nose, uterus and bladder. They may also occure elsewhere in the body where mucous membranes exist like the cervix and small intestine. Some tumors are benign, which means that they are not concerous. Cancerous or malignant tumors gorw out of control and can invade, and destroy norml cells near the tumor. In some cases, cancer cells spread to other areas of the body, like the liver and kidneys.

All cancers come in stages, the higher the stage, the worse it can be.

Stage 1 Colon cancer involves more than just the inner linging of the colon. A polyp has progressed to a tumor, and extends into the wallo of the colon or rectum.

Treatment can include surgery to remove the section of the colon that is cancerous. This type of surgery is called a resection. The healthy non-cancerous sections of the colon are reconnected again. The 5 year survival rate is 95%.

Stage 2 Colon Cancer is when the cancer has spread beyond the colon to the tissue that surronds the colon but has not spread to lymph nodes. Cancer spreading in this manner from one part of the body to another is called Metastasis. A resection surgery may also be used to treat this stafe of cancer. The 5 year survival rate drops dramatically to 60%.

Stage 3 is when the cancer has spread outside the colon and on to the lympy nodes in the area surrounding the colon. In this stage, the cancer has not spread to other organs in the body, but treatment is more aggressive. Surgical rsection of the colon, chemotherapy, and other medical therapies may be necessary. The 5 year survival rate is 35 to 60%.

In Stage 4, the cancer has spread to other organs in the body such as the lungs or liver. This is progressed cancer. In addition to surgical resection and chemotherapy, radiation treatments and surgery to remove other affected parts of the body may e necessary. At this stage, there is only 3% chance of reaching the 5 year survival time.

THE AMERICAN CANCER SOCIETY REPORTS:

-106,100 NEW CASES OF COLON CANCER DIAGNOSED

-49,920 DEATHS FROM COLON CANCER EACH YEAR

-COLON CANCER IS THE 3RD MOST COMMON CANCER FOUND IN MEN & WOMEN IN THIS COUNTRY

RISK FACTORS FOR COLON CANCER INCLUDE:

*AGE: AFTER 50, MEN & WOMEN SHARE THE SAME RISK

*PERSONAL FAMILY HISTORY OF COLON CANCER OR POLYPS

*HAVING A PRE-DETERMINED BOWEL DISEASE

*SMOKING

*OBESITY

*HEAVY ALCOHOL USE

*TYPE 2 DIABETES

*A DIET WITH HIGH AMOUNTS OF RED MEAT

TO REDUCE THE RISK OF GETTING COLON CANCER, A PERSON CAN:

*Go to the doctor if you have any colon cancer symptoms

*If you're 50 or older, schedule a colon cancer screening

*Eat a balanced diet with a minimum of 35 grams of fiber daily

*Maintain a healthy weight

*Maintain an active lifestyle

*Learn your family medical history

*Don't smoke

*Lower your red meat intake

SYMPTOMS OF COLON CANCER CAN INCLUDE:

*A change in your owel habits, including diarrhea or contipation

*A change in the consistency of your stool for more than 2 weeks

*Rectal bleeding or blood in your stool

*Persistent abdominal discomfort, such as cramps, gas or pain

*A feeling that your bowel doesn't empty completely

*Weakness or fatigue

*Unexplained weight loss

Many people with colon cancer experience no symptoms in the early stages of the disease. This is why colon cancer is called "THE SILENT KILLER". When symptoms appear, they'll likely vary, depending on the cnacer's size and location in your large intestine.

CAN COLORECTAL POLYPS & CANCER BE GOUND EARLY?

COLORECTAL CANCER SCREENING

Screening, or testing, is done while you re feeling well- to detect, or find, any abnormalities early, before signs and symptoms of disease occur. Screening for colorectal cancer allows for the early detection of cancer when it is highly curable, as ell as the detection of growths, or polyps that could become pre-cancer. These polyps may be removed, preventing the development of cancer altogether. There are several tests used to screen for colorecta cancer.

1. FECAL OCCULT BLOOD TEST

2. FECAL IMMUNOCHEMICAL TEST

3. TLEXIBLE SIGMOIDOSCOPY

4. COLONOSCOPY

5. BARIUM ENEMA WITH AIR CONTRAST

6. VIRTUAL COLONOSCOPY

Today is The Day!!!!!!!!

So today is the big day............I have followed all the instructions from the doctor to make my procedure go as smooth as possible. This is a small price to pay for peace of mind and to keep on top of my health.......It's funny, because I thought I would be starving but I actually feel pretty good considering I have not ate in over 3 days. Well I am on my way in to the procedure room. I will update you when I come out...................................................................................Well the procedure is over and it wasn't bad at all. I must give a disclaimer that had I not known what I was going in for I would have never known I was deflowered...lol

I am having no discomfort at all. The procedure took about 30 minutes and I was in recovery for another 30 minutes. So now for the results....drum roll please........................................I had one polyp which they removed so I am fine. And due to them finding that one, I have to go back to be checked in 5yrs instead of the customary 10. No big deal. I am glad that I was checked and that it was found in time for me to have it removed with no adverse effects...I have attached a true picture from my procedure which shows the polyp in the 3rd and 4th slide. It kind of looks like a pimple.

I can not say this enough...............GET YOURSELF CHECKED.....IT CAN SAVE YOUR LIFE..............

The Day Before..................

Sooooooo today I am preparing for my colonoscopy for tomorrow. I have not eaten anything all day and starting at 6 p.m. I have to drink a gallon of this solution call GaliLyte. Ugh this stuff is terrible. I have to drink 9 8oz glassses every 10 minutes. Then I have to take 2 Dulcolax tablets......Let the games begin.....................................Ok I have managed to get all 9 glasses down and I feel like I can blow chunks......and to make matter worse, I have to wake up and drink 4 more glasses............I know it is for a good cause so I am not going to complain to much but my lord this stuff has me going to the bathroom every 5 to 10 minutes..........I hope I am able to sleep...........smdh

OLD LADY

WOW......IT HAS BEEN A WEEK AGO YESTERDAY THAT OLD LADY PASSED AWAY....I MISS THE HELL OUT OF HER. IT HAS BEEN REALLY HARD FOR ME TO DIGEST ALL THAT HAS HAPPENED AND WHY. I HAVE MISSED SO MANY YEARS OF HER BEING A FRIEND, A MENTOR, A GRANDMOTHER, OR A SENSE OF INSPIRATION IN MY LIFE. SHE NEVER GOT TO SEE ME GRADUATE, HAVE MY KIDS OR GET MARRIED. I NEVER GOT ANY ADVICE FROM HER OR ANY TYPE OF GUIDANCE. AS A MATTER OF FACT THE LAST AND FIRST THING THAT I REMEMBER HER SAYING TO ME BEFORE WE HAD REUNITED WAS "I DON'T WANT TO SPEAK TO THAT LITTLE BITCH"! TO THIS DAY I HAVE NO IDEA WHY SHE FELT THAT WAY ABOUT ME. BUT NONE THE LESS SHE WAS BROUGHT BACK INTO MY LIFE IN AUGUST OF 2009.

WHEN MY DAD HAD ME MEET MY GRAMS BACK IN AUGUST 2009 IT WAS A LITTLE WEIRD BUT I TRIED TO KEEP AN OPEN MIND. WE SPENT A DAY GOING TO DIFFERENT GROCERY STORES AND TO TARGET TO GET VARIOUS THINGS ON HER SHOPPING LIST. AT THE END OF THE DAY THERE WAS A BOND THAT WAS BEING FORMED AND I MADE IT A POINT TO LET MY GRAMS KNOW HOW HER NOT BEING IN MY LIFE HAD EFFECTED ME. TOO THIS DAY I STILL NEVER KNEW WHY SHE WOULDN'T ACCEPT ME AND I NEVER WILL. BECAUSE SHE TOOK THAT TO THE GRAVE WITH HER. I CHERISH THE FACT THAT WE FORMED A BOND AND THAT SHE TRUSTED ME AND LOVED FOR ME TO BE WITH HER. BUT I WOULD BE TELLING A LIE IF I SAID IT DOESN'T BOTHER ME THAT I WILL NEVER KNOW WHY I WAS SHUNNED IN THE FIRST PLACE. (PART OF ME FEELS THERE WAS AN OUTSIDE INFLUENCE TO HER DECISION)

WHEN MY GRAMS WENT TO THE HOSPITAL ON 26 APRIL 2010 SHE WAS SCARED AND UNSURE OF WHAT WOULD HAPPEN. ALL SHE KEPT SAYING WAS FOR ME NOT TO LET THEM TAKE HER COOCHIE.....LOL........SEE WE THOUGHT SHE WAS GOING IN TO HAVE A HYSTERECTOMY BUT HALFWAY INTO THE SURGERY THEY FOUND OUT THAT SHE HAD A TUMOR THAT HAD WRAPPED AROUND HER COLON AND HAD INVADED HER BLADDER. SMDH...........DAMN OLD LADY HAS CANCER........"SNIFF SNIFF".........I STAYED WITH OLD LADY FROM THE TIME SHE WENT INTO THE HOSPITAL UNTIL THE DAY SHE LEFT THIS EARTH ON 9 JULY 2010. DAMN MY GIRL WAS A FIGHTER...... SHE FOUGHT FOR 3 MONTHS AND IT WAS NEVER A DULL MOMENT. SHE WAS FUNNY AS HELL AND SHE TALKED SHIT TILL THE END........DAMN I MISS HER........."SNIFF SNIFF"...........

DURING THE TIME THAT I WAS ABLE TO SPEND AND GET TO KNOW MY GRAMS SHE DIDN'T TEACH ME A LOT IN TERMS OF GIVING ADVICE. HOWEVER SHE DID TEACH ME HOW TO STAY STRONG, HOW TO STILL TRY TO HAVE A SENSE OF HUMOR, AND HOW TO MEND BROKEN RELATIONSHIPS. THROUGH ALL OF THIS I HAVE NOT ONLY MENDED THE RELATIONSHIP WITH HER BUT ALSO MY PA PA. HOW COOL IS THAT.......MY OLD LADY WAS AWESOME....DAMN I MISS HER......"SNIFF SNIFF"..........

I DID MISS OUT ON A LOT WHEN I WAS YOUNG IN TERMS OF BEING AROUND MY GRAMS.....HOWEVER, I WAS AROUND DURING HER LAST 11 MONTHS OF HER LIFE......AND I MUST SAY THAT WAS A BEAUTIFUL EXPERIENCE THAT FEW WILL EVER GET TO GET IN LIFE AND VERY FEW WILL UNDERSTAND......I WAS WITH HER EVERYDAY. I WOULD GO TO SEE HER ON MY LUNCH FROM WORK AND THEN I WOULD GO BACK ONCE I GOT OFF. AND IF I DIDN'T GET THERE WHEN SHE THOUGHT I SHOULD OR IN FAST ENOUGH TIME....TRUST SHE WOULD LET ME KNOW BY TELLING ME OFF...... IT FELT GOOD TO HAVE HER WANT ME TO BE AROUND ALL THE TIME AND IT FELT GOOD TO HAVE ALL THE NURSES AND STAFF TELL ME JUST HOW MUCH SHE LOVED AND TALKED ABOUT ME. SHE ALWAYS GAVE ME PRAISE FOR THE WAY THAT I WAS THERE FOR HER AND HOW I WAS A BIG HELP. IT GOT TO THE POINT THAT SHE DIDN'T WANT ANYONE ELSE BUT ME. (I HAD TO LET HER KNOW THAT WAS NOT FAIR AND THAT SHE HAD TO LET OTHERS INTO HER LIFE AS WELL) I WOULD CHANGE HER BANDAGES AND HER COLOSTOMY BAG WHICH SHE HATED AND I UNDERSTOOD WHY......I TOLD HER THAT I WOULD ALWAYS BE THERE AND I MEANT JUST THAT AND I KEPT MY WORD. SEE THE THING THAT I GOT TO EXPERIENCE WITH MY GRAMS THAT NO ONE ELSE DID WAS THAT I GOT TO LAY IN BED WITH HER AND HOLD HER HAND........AND JUST BEFORE SHE TOOK HER LAST BREATH SHE SQUEEZED MY HAND, TURNED AND LOOKED ME IN MY EYES AND THAT WAS HER WAY OF SAYING GOOD BYE.......SHE TOOK HER LAST BREATH AND SHE WENT TO SLEEP.......SHE WAS SO BRAVE UNTIL THE END AND I NEVER LET HER SEE ME UPSET OR CRY BECAUSE I WANTED TO BE BRAVE FOR HER AS WELL........DAMN I MISS HER........."SNIFF SNIFF"..........BUT I WOULD NEVER TRADE MY EXPERIENCE FOR ANYTHING IN THIS WORLD BECAUSE I RECEIVED A VERY SPECIAL PART OF MY OLD LADY THAT I WILL FOREVER HOLD IN MY HEART.........I MISS YOU AND I WILL SEE YOU ON THE OTHER SIDE OLD LADY...........

Bitter Sweet

Today started out to be a difficult day. First I went in to work but had to be at the crematory at 9:30 to get locks of my grams hair. Then from there I went to the other office so that I could buy my necklace . I call my job and do you know my boss had the nerve to get mad at me about me not going back to work. Now keep in mind I have not taken my funeral leave yet...smdh.......

Well I went and seen my uncle Shane who is also here from Cali to see his mother who has cancer. We hung out and did some catching up and then I went home. But on my way home I actually went and talked to a friend to clear the air about our situation. See I had talked to another friend earlier about her situation with a friend that we have in common . Well that talk prompted me to clear the air on some things. I am glad I did.

I did find out that one of my so called sisters/friends has talked to everyone else and has actually had the nerve to call my father to give him condolences on our loss. But this chick hasn't said a word to me......I just don't know about folks at times but whatever.....THIS EXPERIENCE HAS OPENED MY EYES TO THE CHARACTER OF PEOPLE I HAVE CALLED MY FRIENDS OR FAMILY............FROM HERE ON OUT I WILL BE WALKING AROUND WITH MY EYES WIDE SHUT........LOL

THIS WAS FOR MY FAVORITE OLD LADY.....I MISS YOU!

The Nerve...........

Sometimes I just can't believe the things that happen to me on my job........So today I was scheduled to work from 7 a.m until 6:30 p.m. I asked my boss if I coule have a 1hr lunch today and if I could go at noon. The reason I was specific with the time was because I need to go to a mortuary to handle a family matter. Do you know that I was told that I could not go because she didn't have enough staff to support her side of the business. And that she was going downtown to do a call event.....WHAT THE HELL DOES THAT HAVE TO DO WITH ME???

Here it is Tuesday the 14th of July (5 days after my grams passed away)! I have not even had any bereavement time. My grams passed on the 9th of July which was a Friday. Now I did leave work early on that day but it was only by about 1hr 1/2. Keep in mind I didn't get a lunch that day! That Saturday I was scheduled to work which I was given off. But had I worked it would have been my 6th day. Then that Monday the 12th I was told to take off to use as a comp day since I was also scheduled to work 6 days so that would be also considered a comp day. I am constantly being told how I am not able to do certain things when I need to because there is sooooo much that rides on me. My boss doesn't know how to do most things in the branch and she hired another person as a manger to help me that has never been a teller which doesn't help me at all.......SMDH